Selfishness

Assalammualaikum,

Whereby that words hurt you, maybe they all don't really know how you felt.
Something that you don't want to know it well, but come across your mind. Believe it, there's nothing in this world with the greatest painful feeling,When someone you love is leaving you. Seriously, you will not feel anything, if she or he is leaving because you don't really love her or him. You will feel deeper pain if you are so in love with her or him. The exaggerating mood is not on, the excitement is not there, the happiness, is it exist? without fake. Burden is always there, the challenge is always in, the obstacle will not going to up their white flag. Moreover the negative thought is always there also. How could you handle this by your own, selfishness, maybe it is easy to say, to throw out your voice, am I too selfish? Why don't we pampering ourselves with what actually we want. We don't really get what we actually, but we can't end it up halfway. This is totally me, ended up with something to please everyone, not me. Pathetic me, seriously. Sometimes, they love us with condition. Somehow, everything is not like what you want it to be. I'm tired of these dramas, whereby any one of it we need to think on. Either you like it or not it doesn't matter. You have to think it rationally, nothing in this world will be so easy for you. You have to work hard for it, but when you really work hard for it, you'll ended up frustrated because you did it with your heart, but the things is not on your right. The way to cherish myself is being free from everything that haunted me and stress me on. I need a tranquil environment, but i always been there, the place that i always went to. Nevertheless, the regret is unforgiving. The miracle is about to happen. May be this is payback action that i have to face it by my own. I have to face this by my own. I have no one to tell my true feelings. I just can't keep this. I just can't tell all of it. I just merely don't know how I should act with this type of condition. A lil bit too harsh to tell the truth about what i feel now. Scared of hurting someone's feeling but they always did it to me. Never ever to repay what actually they did, but Allah always there, fair with Allah's own plans. I'm deep hurt, no one knows, I may physically okay but I'm actually not really okay. You may see me smile all the day, but you may not see my sad face while I'm crying. This entry is totally rubbish, why I should share this, even I don't want it. Ain't this feeling reliable? I couldn't deny it. I can't delete it.The memories remain, i won't force myself being not to.Being ignorance is better. I might don't know the real life at which point you should give up on to. I am me, I can only smile when I'm happy, cry when I sad, and vice versa for certain kind of things  happen to me. I can't turn my sweetest smile, to be warmest hug, i can't do it anymore. I believe, one day, this difficulties will gone. The bitter feel will go away, and faded at the right time. We act based on what we think on, we control our self, but we have to consider others, before we act. Unfair for yourself but not yet been appreciated by someone you have to consider to.None of the time is for you there is a lil tiny  hope that i can immersed through my brain, but to cope with others, not really tiny hope from others, am i going to consider too?. I had too much to share with someone who can only listen to me, who can comfort me without saying anything,by looking her face would demolish all the stress things and difficult thing in my mind. I do have one too, but i always failed to see the "everything" that already given to me.I always failed. I'm going too far, attract me with something that i can attach to. I don't even have anyone to depends on. Pity me. Devils are always persuading me to do whatever is prohibited. Hoping that I will not drowning too far from the right track. Give me back, the real me, the original me. One fine day, I will be okay, and ended the last chapter of my life, by not burdening everyone surround me. May Allah ease my plans, May Allah redha. Blissfully with Joy. Hatred is gone, with the power of love, thus keep the mouth of the shay-tan from yelling to construct heart to do this, to do that, without permission. Sadness is a one type of feeling, sooner or later, it will be forgotten. No worries, just chill, and live the life to the fullest.